My dearly beloved people. You have all been gathered here today, at my great personal inconvenience I might add, to hear the latest of my very important proclamations delivered on my specially commissioned Soapbox. An Announcement of such import that even little ol’ me is getting very excited! Tee hee.

Humph, you two have finally deigned to put in an appearance, have you? I was in full flow and just getting to a really good dramatic bit when, in you barge, willy nilly, making me all loose my drift.

I’ll just need to have a bit of a rest and gather my thoughts. I will need a big basket to put them in because some days I have lots of thoughts – mostly relating to food it must be said, but there are lots of them, hence the need for a jolly big basket! Now where was I? Was it something to do with food?

Oh actually, that reminds me of the time I addressed the massed ranks of local salad growers, exhorting them to redouble their efforts to keep me supplied with light snacks. What a marvellous speech that was – they all enjoyed it so much, they threw lettuces and tomatoes! Kept me going for a day or two, that did.

What was that Marigold? Which point would you like me to get to exactly?

Oh yes, that reminds me of the occasion I was guest speaker at the Grand Order of Pointy Things annual convention. What an unalloyed triumph that was too.

There was I, surrounded by enthusiastic purveyors of all things pointy, when all suddenly and without warning I was unanimously elected Piggy with the Pointiest Finger Nails of the year, with certificates, major awards and a medal type thing.

Mariella, you can admire them at closer quarters if you wish.

Or even closer. These extra special pointy ones come pre-adorned with optional Piggy Poo adornment.

Err, right, back to the very serious and highly important, if not world shattering then jolly well close to it, ‘Announcement’.

I’d better just make sure the autocue operator has managed to keep up. It wouldn’t do to miss any dramatic bits out.

Right you two, places please. Remember to look all excited and anxious, hanging on my every word and generally paying attention and not wandering off. That means you too Marigold. MARIGOLD!

Right, that’s better. Do at least try and keep all lined up neatly.

Just time for a quick photo opportunity for the massed rank of the paparazzi, so Mummy can capture this truly historic Announcement.

Try not to crack the lense with your smile Mariella.

Okay, I’m ready for the big finish. The dramatic tension has reached breaking point. Nerves have been suitably shredded sufficiently and national TV and Radio have interrupted their transmissions to record these historic words –

We will be holding a Grand Fairy-Fest Piggy Party at my house next year – and you are all invited! Timings to be finalised in due course. There will of course be tea and cakes and what not, for the grown ups.

Salads’R’Us, superior caterers to the top piggies, have been booked. They will provide mixed salads, plain salads, 4 varieties of hay, green salads, fresh grass lightly chilled, tomato salads, leafy salads, tossed broccoli salad,  . . .  oh and due to Health & Safety – guest piggy’s will have to bring their own nibbles!

Book your cuddle cups – NOW!